![]() I got by, but never really thrived in any way. I was able to work a job at weekends at university on no sleep. I didn’t look unhealthy, I was a normal weight and my hair and skin were alright. I felt immune to self-care, or I hadn’t heard of it. When I left home, especially as the oldest child with no sibling role model to warn me and no self awareness of my emotional instability issues, I went down a bad road. ‘What was so wrong with taking drugs?’ I used to think, ‘and being up all night in dodgy places?’ The thought of it was interesting to me, not frightening. I also think when you’ve been a bit sheltered, you’re intrigued by the things everyone tells you are bad. I also found from an early age that I battled mood swings a lot.īeing a perfectionist even as a child though, I wanted to excel academically, so made sure I got good grades despite emotional and behavioural difficulties. I am also quite impulsive and used to get carried away with doing things I knew I shouldn’t, and then feel terrible about it later. I sought out naughty kids to hang out with, talked back to teachers and never really liked authority or being told what to do or how to be. But, following a big move from the North to the South at an early age, a bit of bullying at school and being shy, I struggled a lot with my identity and self-esteem from a young age. I had a safe, sheltered childhood and loving parents. I also loved music and that went hand-in-hand with going out. Ironically, the reason I was into excess around alcohol - or partying in general - was partly because that’s just what everyone around me did, and partly because I believed that there was a purpose to it (‘having a good time’) and that it would make me feel better. I was very insecure and didn’t really like or know myself. It was all about socialising and partying.
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